I’ve got a few issues, I guess you could say. I’m really bad at apologizing, for example. I’m almost completely incapable of dealing with conflict, no matter what it is. I tend to get nervous to the point of making myself sick. Just to explain where this post is coming from, the whole nerves thing happened today.

Returning to school shouldn’t be a huge deal. You go back after summer, see all the people you haven’t seen in months, talk and catch up, hugs, hand holding, whatever. Here’s where my small ‘issues’ come into play.

The physical contact of hugs from people that I’m not entirely close with terrifies me. I feel as though I’m absolutely terrible at small talk, therefore the re-encounters for me are nerve racking, and sometimes painful (not just for me, but I’m pretty sure the other person would very much like to crawl in a hole and hide too). Also, I tend to hyperventilate about things that have happened in the past – such as last year, maybe two summers ago, a week ago – and imagine how said things could have an effect on me or my interactions as I walk into familiar class rooms where I should feel safe and secure.

I should feel safe and secure.

I wish I felt safe and secure.

New Objective, Mission, Thing?

All right, I’ve clearly been a bit distracted lately, and have let this blog fall to the way side. New mission, should I choose to accept it – I’m going to write at least three blog posts a week. 

They may not all be legitimate posts – some may be photos, links, quotes, and the likes – but I’m determined to have some sort of new aspect to this blog three times a week. 

That’s the new mission. Here goes!

Just for the record – I’ve gotten to two already. Off to a good start.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/50-things-university-taught-me-first-year/

My favourite “50 Things University Taught Me” list. Definitely worth a read for those heading to or leaving university.

That’s a Wrap

And with that, first year comes to a close. Who would have thought that the tiny, dusty residence room on the fourth floor of a strange building would become my home and filled with memories?

I have mixed feelings about first year being over; it’s nice to not be stressing about papers, tests, readings, but I honestly am a little unsure of what to do with myself. I have a job interview tomorrow, but nothing concrete lined up as of yet.

Leaving my floor was one of the most emotionally draining things I’ve done in a while. Saying goodbye, even if only for four months, was a scary ordeal. As someone who is rather terrified by the prospect of change, leaving relationships open-ended is not a pleasant thought. There were tears, no word of a lie, and the drive home was quite lonely and sad.

Fourth Russell will always be a big part of my life – the experiences I had this year has shaped me as a person, for both better and worse. I learnt how to trust again, how to adapt, how to work off very little sleep and with very little time, how to appreciate sitting around and playing cards…. I’ll miss it, but I’m looking hopefully forward to the adventures that second year and living in my own house will hold!

Coffee Shop Thoughts

I’m currently sitting in down town Ottawa, at a Second Cup with a hot chocolate and a bunch of papers – welcome to the last week of classes.

That’s right. I finish classes of my first year of university on Wednesday. Most of the university kids you talk to will be relieved, excited, incredibly happy, burnt out, asleep on their feet….You get the gist. Thinking about the end, however, scares me. A lot.

I’ve had an incredible year. I’ve met some amazing people, learnt how to let someone close enough to risk getting hurt (possibly the best decision I’ve made all year), learnt how to write three essays in the span of a week and I’ve become an expert on embracing stupidly awkward situations. I’ve gotten over the little things that were bothering me and holding me back and simply embraced the things that were handed to me.

The thought of moving out of residence, of leaving my floor and the people there, is heartbreaking. Even writing this right now, I have a tingly sensation and can feel tears welling. I’ve spent the past six months with a floor of mostly amazing people, and it devastates me to know that we’ll never be together in the same way as we were this year. But all good things must come to an end, right?

I haven’t quite figured out what I’m going to be doing this summer. I haven’t yet gotten a job, but I do have a house! A long, stressful, time consuming adventure went down while looking for said house, but everything worked out all right. Maybe I’ll go home. Maybe I’ll stay in the city. It feels more like ‘home’ than my home town, in all honesty.

It’s odd, feeling the place you grew up and called home transforming into something that isn’t quite home. Odd, but exciting.

So, it seems I’ve just about made it.

I’ve got 19 days left. Where in the world did the time go?

Music Nights and Coming to the End

Today is March 11th. I only have a month and 15 days left up here on fourth Russell.

A week ago, if you asked me if I was sad that my time in residence was winding down, I wouldn’t have hesitated. NO. This time last week, I was just done with people and stressed about a paper that I needed to get down and figuring out where I stood in a relationship and what I wanted from it. This time last week, I thought that getting out of residence would be the best thing that had ever happened to me. This week, however, the thought of leaving is actually heartbreaking.

I live in a themed community – on the arts and humanities floor. Everyone up here has some sort of musical talent, and honestly, it’s fantastic to come home after class and hear guitars and pianos and singing through the hallways. Once a month we try to have a coffee house on the floor; we all sit in our tv lounge and just put on small little performances (those of us who have the guts!). Last night was when I realized that, while I get fed up with people and while living with 49 other people all the time can be tiring, this place has become my home and these people a sort of family.

Last night, the thought of leaving the floor in 45 some days was scary, sad, exciting and shocking. Where did my first year go? Will I still see these people next year? Will the house we’re living in be as good as we imagine?

4th Russell has certainly been an important chapter in my life, and there’s no doubt in my mind that the memories made here will be some of my fondest memories of first year. But all good things must end.

Turn the page, and carry on.

🙂

Being Close

I live about an hour away from my home town, so I tend to travel home at least once, twice a month to stay the weekend with my parents.

It’s ideal, really. I didn’t think I’d want to be very close to home because then I wouldn’t be able to have my independence and such. In retrospect, being closer to home was definitely the best choice for me.

All that being said, I came home this weekend, and when I told two of my floormates that I was heading home the first thing they said was “does this mean we get home cooked things!?’ I thought this was hilarious, but they both live pretty far so it really is a novelty for them. We got talking about what kind of desserts they liked, and I ended up being charged with making a cheesecake.

I’ve never even attempted to make a cheesecake before. I’m actually quite nervous – the finished product is in the oven baking right now….

I love being able to bring simple things back up to residence for friends though. If you guys live close enough to pull it off, be a dear and bring your friends some food.

Cafeteria cheesecake will still be worse than my attempt at home-made cheesecake!